Happy Holidays Everyone!

It is getting rather late on Christmas Eve and I am alone. I don't want to dwell on that sad state of affairs though. I want to tell you that my favorite holiday song is O Holy Night! Jimmy and I preferred the version sung by John Berry, but there are many great ones out there. Just hearing all of the holiday music kind of puts me into a good-ish mood!

Here is a recipe for The Smell of Christmas that my neighbors like. I am not a measure so you kind of have to go by your own eyes and nose on this.

Fill your biggest pot within two inches of top with hot water, put on high heat, cover and wait for it to start steaming.
Meanwhile, slice 1 apple and 1 orange into 1/3 inch slices. Break a few cinnamon sticks into medium pieces. Also have ready whole cloves, anise stars, vanilla and almond extract.
When water is steaming, lower heat as low as you can and still keep it steaming. Slowly and carefully begin to add the apple and orange slices. About half of each for a Dutch Oven sized pan. (Store the rest in a covered container in the fridge for the next batch or eat them for a yummy snack!)
Sprinkle broken cinnamon sticks, whole cloves(around 1/8 cup) and about 4 or 5 Star Anise on and around the fruit. Last you will pour generous amounts of Vanilla and Almond extract (Maybe a tablespoon each or more depending on what you like).
It may have stopped steaming while you were adding all the goodies, but it will start again after you put the cover on with venting room, and set the temp down as low as you can get it yet still enjoy the fragrance.
Yep! I can smell the Wonder Of Christmas from here!
I guess now, all that's left to do is fix a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate, snuggle into a comfy seat on the sofa and watch my all time favorite Christmas movie, White Christmas.

I hope you all have a wonderful one! I will think of you....and be happy!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Less than a week 'til Christmas. A busy time for most everyone. I hope that during all of the hustle and bustle of running here and there, worrying over what gifts to give to whom and most assuredly overspending, that we will take at least a moment to remember whose birth it is we are celebrating. The gifts that we exchange are merely symbols of the gifts that were given to the Christ child as He lay in a lowly manger.
I hope that we all have very safe and happy holidays.

My Five Minutes To Cry And Piss And Moan

Generally when something goes wrong in my life, I will find a kind ear to listen and give myself five minutes to cry and whine and get it out of my system. It usually works pretty well. I think that it's the combination of putting my feelings into words and knowing that someone cares enough to listen.

I've come to a point in my life now where I'm almost totally withdrawn from human contact, so I'm hoping that just writing it all down will be enough.

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I thought it was just a check because she had put me on new meds and I planned on using the opportunity to ask about a problem I've been having in my left scapular area. It's been gradually causing more and more pain. Since it was crushed in the car accident 4 1/2 years ago, I'm wondering if this pain is connected to that. The one thing I wasn't concerned about was the glucose tolerance test I'd taken 3 weeks ago. If something had been wrong there, they would have called me......or so I thought.

Turns out that they don't like to tell people they are diabetic over the phone. News that devastating tends to make people freak out so they want to tell them face to face. Did I freak out? No, not at first anyway. I didn't know enough about diabetes to know how much it would affect my life. I'm not real big on eating sweets so it would be no big deal giving them up, right? Ha! Jokes on me!First off, my favorite beverage is Pepsi. I've already switched to caffeine free, but sugar free is just too much. Losing that alone is devastating. If it ended there, I could handle it but that would be too easy. Oh Yeah, this isn't just a little road block, it's The Great Wall Of China!

Since way back when I was a Chiapelli, pasta has been a main staple in my cupboard. My favorite snack is Lays Potato Chips. I am addicted to Raspberry Jello with Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce, Pineapple and low fat Cottage Cheese topped with Cool Whip. If I'm not cooking with pasta, I am probably using rice or potatoes.

Pasta, rice, potatoes, and dairy are all considered starches and starches convert to sugar as soon as they enter your body. If you look in my cupboards right now, there is not a single thing that I'm allowed to eat. Nothing, zip, zilch, nadda!

So the freak out has begun. A lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully now that I've put this all into words I can start thinking about solutions.

I Must Break My Silence

How exciting is this...Audrey is having a baby GIRL!!!! The boys are absolutely wonderful, but after 3 of them she was really afraid to hope for a girl. I did a lot of hoping for her as I'm sure everyone who knew did. Today it was confirmed on her blog, baby is healthy and a girl! I am just overflowing with joy for their whole family.

Today is Isaac's Birthday so a shout out to him! Holla! Hope you had a happy day Igus, (I know that's not your name, but it was how you said it when I first met you so Uncle Dan and I still think of you as Igus sometimes.

I got an e-mail from my Aunt Linda today. We haven't seen each other in a gazillion years, so that was a super surprise. Now that she's found me I hope we will stay in touch.

I actually left the apartment today. Just for a little while, but I did it. Tomorrow a lady is coming to take me to Kmart. It's just to pick up my meds, but it's a real store and if I hurry I might even get a chance to look at stuff!

All this sounds like bland old everyday stuff for most people, but for me it's all exciting stuff. Enough to get me to blog again......

To Blog Or Not To Blog......

aaahhhhh yes, that is the question. All things considered and being equal, for now the answer to that will have to be a resounding NNNnnnooooottt!!!!!

Rainy Days and Mondays

First, the song lyric:

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old

Sometimes I'd like to quit

Nothing ever seems to fit

Hangin' around

Nothing to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

What I've got they used to call the blues

Nothin' is really wrong

Feelin' like I don't belong

Walkin' around

Some kind of lonely clown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

There are more verses but those are the important ones. Today is Monday, it's raining, I'm lonely and feeling down. I had a great idea for a layout, but with my camera broken, I couldn't take a picture for it. I searched the web but couldn't find any free pictures. Even the sites that advertise as being free, aren't. Aarrrrggghhh! Frustration! I'm one of those people that once I get something in my head I just won't be happy until I see it through. Giving up is the same as failing in my mind, and having been a failure most of my life, I will hang on to whatever way longer than I should.

I had Matty Dave here today. I get him tomorrow and Friday too. But I miss Joel. Never satisfied am I. I'm an "I want it all and I want it now" girl I guess.

Haven't heard from my Classmates friends in a few days. That's depressing. I don't know why it is, but it is. I found out that we're having a class reunion next October and by hook or by crook, I'm going to be there this time!

Yesterday was Kym's 27th birthday. Dana will be 26 in November. When did they get that old? Did I blink? These are my babies! They were just living with me a minute ago! Now I feel so old, they've passed the quarter century mark and I'm well past the half. Depressing.

I think it's time to go to bed. When i wake up, no more rainy days and Mondays......

I've been havin' fun

Anybody out there a member of Classmates.com? I recommend it to everybody. After nearly 40 years out of school, I have reconnected with a couple of former classmates. Not the one I was looking for when I joined, but what the heck, it was still so worth it because I've made one brand new friend and reconnected with three old ones. Two of whom I communicate with regularly.

They were part of the group of kids I idolized in high school. I was too much of a "goodie two shoes" back then to fit in with their crowd, but oh how I wanted to be bad. It was the late 60's, early 70's and Peace, Love and Flower Power. "Hippies" and drugs. A "free" lifestyle. I liked everything about it except the drugs. They scared me. And there was the other thing. I was a good girl. On the one hand I was afraid of my parents wrath. Didn't want to do anything to incur it. On the other hand, I hooked up with the Mormon Church which my parents thought was their worst nightmare. They considered it a cult and felt that I was being brainwashed. What they didn't know was that for me it was a struggle between good and bad and in order to remain the "good girl" they wanted, I needed to rein myself in and made my choice accordingly. I stuck with my decision, but still, from afar, looked on at that other group of kids, longing to be a part of their lives as well. I never knew how unhappy they were. Maybe we should have talked then.

We're talking now. It's kind of ironic how life turns out. These people who were making such a mess of their lives back then, managed to live through it and are now successful people and living pretty nice lives. Little miss "goodie two shoes", who fought so hard to keep her demons at bay, finally fell and fell hard. Drug addiction and multiple marriages being only the tip of the ice burg. A loser with a capital L.

There is no time limit on repentance though. I took a page out of my son-in-law's book, and decided to get my butt in gear and find my church. Yesterday I attended my new branch for the first time and met my new "family". It was also Fast Sunday and I was able to bear my Testimony. I also continued my fast until late in the evening because I had much to fast and pray about.

I capped the day off by spending an hour or so exchanging e mails with my classmate in Texas. It was fun and he sent tons of pictures, both old and new. A long trip down memory lane and some beautiful Texas nature shots. He challenged me to identify the people in some old pictures and I'm sure I failed miserably. Today I sent the pictures to my other friend in Washington state. He was in the pictures and had a hard time figuring out who HE was let alone the others. That made me feel a LOT better. It was lots of fun and I think we got the important ones figured out! So, while I can't be doing layouts, I'm still enjoying myself, catching up with friends from the past. Try it, it'll be fun!

A word of advice if you're going to join Classmates. Include a picture! Now and then if you have one. After you've been out of touch for a while it is sometimes hard to put faces and names together.

It's Just My Life. So I Laugh

What do you do when you are extremely manic and acting aggressively, yet so depressed you want to end it all? You tell your Dr. if you know what's good for you. So I sat there laughing about my stupid behavior and saying how depressed I was. Even laughed about "my plan" and why I didn't carry it out. Squirming all around in my chair, always looking to my case manager whenever I felt a bit of emotion. Then Doc said he couldn't increase my antidepressant. Immediate mood swing. Tears wouldn't stop flowing. Sounds a lot like an attempt at manipulation doesn't it. While the tears flowed the Doc quietly explained something I'd never been told. An increase in antidepressants during an extreme manic episode would not help the depression and would worsen the mania. Knowledge is power, and after two weeks of treatment, I am feeling more my old self. I'm much calmer, no more aggression, and the depression seems to be better. Now, when I'm laughing at the mishaps in my life, I'm really laughing. Not wearing a mask. I mean really, what else can you do?



I had a trial version of PhotoShop Elements 6. I was having so much fun with it that my daughter and son in law ordered the real thing for me a couple of weeks before my 30 days would run out. Plenty of time right? Of course in 30 days I became quite an addict. Then my time ran out. Aaaahhhhh. What to do? I'm addicted. I had to laugh. So ridicules! Find something else creative to do until PSE6 comes in the mail. keeping my finger in the pie so to speak. So I did.



I decided to start setting up a special blog just for my scrap booking layouts. I picked out a name and a nice background for it and had it all ready to start putting my layouts in it. I wanted it to be special, so I wasn't hurrying, wanted to think it through. Today I got a notice from the webmaster that my blog had been frozen for suspicion of spam. I had to fill out a "form" to prove that I'm "human" and they will let me know within 48 hours if I am allowed to use my blog or not. I had to laugh. Sometimes I wonder myself if I'm human, so I'm waiting anxiously to find out!



For months now I've been living in Michigan not knowing where my church is. My daughter who lives nearby said she thought it was in Ithaca but she didn't know where. A couple of weeks ago my son helped me find it on lds.org and it showed the address and the name and phone numbers of the Branch President. I still did nothing. Then one of my sons in law wrote in a blog of his search for a LDS Temple in Japan. In spite of obstacle after obstacle he did not give up and finally made it to the Temple. He reminded me of the Testimony I have, and if my Testimony is true, I need to find my way to my church, overcoming all of my obstacles. I got on the Internet and looked the information up again. I called my Branch President. The number was disconnected. I had to laugh. But I didn't give up! I called my Bishop out in Springville and put him on the case. It took 3 calls to get through to him, but I persevered. He will find someone for me to contact and I will find a way to become active again! he also told me that I would be able to hear the General Conference talks online in just a few days.



last Spring Social Security sent me a check for over $400. and a letter saying they hadn't been paying me enough so they were giving me a lump sum payment. As a result I got another letter from Supplemental Security Income saying that because of my raise, I had been over paid $11. and was no longer eligible for SSI. Please send $11. ASAP. Fast forward to today. I forgot to pay the $11. between moving and Jimmy dying etc, but that's nothing really. I got another letter from SSI today. Now in addition to the $11. they say that I now owe another $99. for the months of April to December 2007. The time SS sent me the lump sum for in May. I had to laugh. No wonder this country is in such dire financial straits. One hand doesn't know what the other is doing. I guess I'd better hurry up and give them back their $110. to help pay back the $7trillion they just gave away.



Back to the PSE6 thing. Tonight I peeked in on one of my daughters blogs and discovered that she is hosting a Speed Scrap in a couple of days. This is exciting news! Speed Scraps are awesome and very challenging. And, I will say it, this is the daughter that purchased PSE6 for me and got me started in digital scrapbooking to start with. A most talented kid! This is a mothers dream...at least this mother...to participate in her own daughter's challenge. So you know, I had to laugh. I mean, this is my life. What are the chances my PSE6 will arrive in the next two days.



One can always hope. (I know prayers work better, but I try to save them for less self centered things.

Yeah For Me!

Yes, I'm patting myself on the back. Scrapbooking is always fun, but getting feedback from your peers makes you feel very good about what you are learning and how you are growing as a digital artist. Today I received the ultimate compliment. I won a contest with a layout that I did of my granddaughter Taylor. I only had two photos to work with, a blurry one of her face and one of her back. I put them together with the challenge kit and a few special effects and it worked! I'm probably being overly critical, but I do see an error and a couple of things I would change, but hey, it won a contest! A gift certificate that I can buy scrapping supplies with. So, yeah for me, it is officially a good day........And here is the layout(which can also be seen at MellowButterflyShoppe):

Convoluted Thinking

convoluted


con·vo·lut·ed [ kónvə lootəd ]
adjective
Definition:
1. extremely intricate: too complex or intricate to understand easily: convoluted sentences
2. very twisted: having many twists, coils, or whorls; the brain's convoluted surface

I can't remember who said it. Or the circumstances that led to it being said. Nevertheless I was told that I had convoluted thinking. Didn't know what it meant but it sounded like just another way of saying mixed up in the head. According to definition 2 above, my brain along with everyone else's, is indeed convoluted. The reference this person was making most likely had to do with #1 and being too complex to understand.

Being the convoluted thinking one I recently began to ponder just what was so complex about my thinking. Perhaps it is merely outdated and at times contradictory. My thinking/belief is also primarily faith based, I don't know where I got it from but is the core of my thinking/belief.

These are some of the things that I think/ believe:

1. All people are basically good and if you treat them with respect and kindness, it will come back to you 10fold. This goes equally for all of God's creations.

2. Remember that story of the man who was told he would receive a visit from God. There were three knocks on the door that day. I can't remember the exact details of the story but I'll just take license here and say the first was a child with no shoes, he was a cobbler and gave the child shoes. Disappointed he waited for the second knock. It was a homeless man who had no coat to keep warm on the cold winter day. He gave the man his coat and sent him on his way. It was getting quite late and the wonderful dinner he had prepared for Him was growing cold. At last there was a third knock upon his door. He was excited, at last he would look into the face of God. His heart fell as he opened the door to a beggar, hungry and needing a good warm meal. He looked at the clock and at the meal growing cold and invited the beggar in to share dinner with him. Later that night he fell to his knees in prayer, asking God why. You said that you would visit me today, why did you not come? But I did come, God replied ind answer to his prayer. Three times I knocked on your door today and each time you invited me in. I was the child with no shoes, I was the homeless man you gave your coat to and I was the beggar you invited in to share a meal with you.
I am so afraid that I will someday slam my door in the face of God, that I often go to extremes with my open door policy.

3. If they smite thee on the one cheek, then turneth the other. Sometimes it feels like my head is spinning, but oh well, that just leads me to....

4. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. Yeah, if you're patient, God is a much better punisher than I personally could ever be. I think of ways I'd like to get revenge, mostly in the "heat of the moment", but my general belief is; 4a. Let Go and Let God.

5. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I could combine this with #1 and shorten the list.

6. Even Jesus loved a prostitute. 6a. Judge not lest ye be judged.

7. Do nothing in excess. Based on the principals of the Word of Wisdom but simplified. Addiction is addiction. Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, food, smoking, sex, computer games, whatever....the WOW was meant to direct people to healthy living. Needs to be updated but it's still a good map to follow.

8. Honor thy father and thy mother. I had some problems with this, doing it too much. I was holding my father in such high esteem that no one (myself especially) could live up to my image of what should be.

9. Thou shalt not covet....anything! So what if your neighbor just got a 100 inch plasma screen TV with surround sound. If they feel the need to flaunt it, they have a problem. Settle for what you can afford and tell the neighbors to go home.

10. Think before you speak. That old saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is just not true. Broken bones and bruises heal, but once words leave your mouth you can never take them back.

For now I'll stop with those 10. Sound convoluted yet? Keep in mind that on one is perfect so I have a lot of conflict not being able to live up to my own beliefs.

The Worst!

Yesterday was another Speed Scrap on my favorite scrapping site. Usually I look forward to them because they are such a challenge. Yesterday was no different going in. As the instructions came up, I was right on top of them for a change. I was able to find everything, no problem! Then two things happened;

1. My phone wouldn't quit ringing. It was a friend and she kept dialing like on speed dial. Thinking something was wrong, I answered it. She said she wasn't getting my voicemail so she kept trying. Now I'm distracted while she talks my ear off.

2. The last instruction is to use either two alpha(bets) for the title or three different fonts to journal or a combination.

I'm not good at journaling, have a lot of problems using that part of the PSE6 program. Don't know why, but I just don't "get it". My vision problems and shaking hands don't help, but it's getting the words to do and go where I want that I have the most trouble with. The typing errors are a secondary thing.

I decided to would try the two alpha's, thinking it would be quicker in the long run. AAAArrrrgggghhhhh!!!! Distraction and two different alpha's, What was I doing at this Speed Scrap. Somehow, I did finish the layout, even submitted it. It even showed up as a picture instead of a code for the first time. The small one instead of the big one it was supposed to be, but it was there...and at exactly 2:15, the deadline.

Have to say, I'm happy with myself for that at least. But the layout. OMG! The worst piece of garbage ever! I'm talking REALLY BAD! My layouts were better when I knew nothing about scrapping at all!

Don't think I'm going to put it here to be humiliated further. Actually, I'm going to delete it from the scrap site (as soon as I remember how). I will show you a layout I did today, with a skill I'm getting better at. Photo blending. here it is:








Now this is a skill I can really get into. There is so much you can do with photo editing and blending. I've bearly scratched the surface, but can't wait to learn all that I can. Dana is going to love this layout!

Getting Down To The Soul

Every now and then in a person's life, you have to think, "Just who am I, way deep down, as a person?". I know that I have an awful mental disability that sometimes changes my outward persona, but I know too that I am NOT my illness.

Usually, I can feel the changes that come over me now that I am older and know what to expect. They are treatable. An increase or change of medication will bring me back to myself in no time as long as I don't let it go too far. Sometimes hospitalization is necessary. No matter what the circumstances, it is something that I have to deal with, and unfortunately, my 2 children had to grow up with. I have 4 other kids, but they were the fortunate ones. They were sheltered from that storm. I am not ashamed of my affliction. Should I be? Why? Because of the social stigma attached to it? Let society change, I can't. One of my kids became upset because I mentioned to someone that she suffered from depression. OMG! That was "post partum depression!",of course that being more socially acceptable. My youngest two kids, having grown up with mental health issues, accept them as a part of life, and although they don't like dealing with mom during the bad times, they know it's a necessary evil in their lives and life must go on. They also hold a lot of resentment towards their older siblings for leaving it all for them to deal with. And also for shutting them out of their lives as well.

Six siblings, two separate families. All of them my children, but then...not. How very sad is that. On top of mental illness, Rapid Cycling Bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Personality Disorder to be specific, I also deal with the split between my kids, and the inability of the older four to accept their mother for who she is. They don't see me as a person, or as their mother. I am an illness. A scary one...and to admit a relationship would be admitting that they too might "catch it". It is genetic after all. I certainly can't blame them for their attitude. My illness went untreated until I was 40. All they have to base their opinion of me on is my behavior and what they were told by their father and stepmother. My own behavior was erratic at best, and because I refused to talk badly about their father, I never explained anything to them about why things happened. I never defended myself. When one of the boys came of the age to choose where he wanted to live, he chose me. His dad said they would talk about it, and I didn't fight for him. He stayed with dad. As each one turned 15, they quit coming to see me at all. The oldest one was the worst. I took it as a total rejection, and treated her very badly. I was supposed to be the adult, but I acted like a child. That was the "mother" they knew. Why would they care about me now? Why they turn their backs on their little bro and sis, I don't know. Maybe it's geography. Out of sight, out of mind. I know it hurts them, and what hurts them hurts me. They are missing out on a lot not knowing them. Three fantastic nephews too.

...and I'm the one in the middle. The "link in the chain". Wanting to be loved and cared about by all of them as much as I love and care for them. Knowing it will never be anything more than a fantasy.

I guess that is who I am. A dreamer...a child of the '70s...peace and love...flower power. I believe that hate and anger are wasted emotions. That doesn't mean I don't get angry, but when I do, I analyze where the emotion came from ie; fear, hurt, pain, and get to the root of it and get rid of it. Hate is just a stronger form of anger, coming from the same place, and nothing is worth that much energy. I save my hate for things like pickled beets and brussels sprouts.

Some people say that I apologise too much. Maybe I do. I'm not comfortable if I think I've done a wrong and haven't apologised for it. The same with thank you, can you ever say it too often? What about just "being there" for a friend that needs to vent or just hang out. I have a friend who will talk on the phone for hours. I hate talking on the phone, it makes my ears hurt. But a couple days a week, I will call her or she will call me and I will spend that couple of hours letting her talk about whatever. Another friend has troubles with the woman he loves, I listen, give advice when asked. It's not a one way street, if you are a friend, you'll have a friend.

Some people have said I'm "too nice". I guess that's being nice to the point of being stupid. So, yes I'm guilty. In the past I have opened my home to the homeless, bandaged the wounds of strangers (and been assaulted for my efforts), given food to the hungry, rides to anyone in need. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn", because these are not necessarily admirable qualities. I'm either soft in the head or soft hearted. Whichever it is, that is who I am, way deep down inside. Getting down to the soul, I am a pacifist. I believe in kindness at all costs. I don't understand any other way.

Right now, and for the last month, I've been behaving in a manner very foreign to what I know and believe. That is how I know that I am ill. I have a Dr. appointment coming up soon, I hope it's soon enough.

My apologies to anyone I may have hurt, and this comes from the bottom of my soul.

So Long Jimmy

I was so upset when neither my dvd slide show or my slide show on Slide would post here on my blog. They were my tribute to Jimmy and after the first one didn't work, I sucked it up and persevered and made a second rate version that was just OK, but that didn't work either.

Well, now I'm digi-scrapping and have found another way to pay tribute to him and it WILL post here on my blog. I hope he likes it.

What do you do when you have thousands of photos, enough to make a bajillion scrapbooks, but no space to put it all? I have been shown the light! You digi-scrap! Thank you dear daughter for suggesting I try this. My goal is to be as good as you! I know I have a lot of ground to cover. I don't have the "fancy schmancy" camera, but I can compensate for that by learning how to enhance the photos I already have. If I work hard every day, I might have a slide show in, mmmmmm, I don't know, maybe a month.

Here is an example of how I really messed up a layout:




This is how it looks now that I've learned to pay more attention to details and revamped the whole thing:



I'm already learning some good stuff! Here is one more that I did today. I'm putting it on here because I really think it's pretty good for a beginner, and I finally figured out how to move objects around to where I want them. That was a real challenge for me.



Well, it's time to go back and do some more learnin'. I always say "The day you quit learning is the day you die." I hope to be learnin' for some time yet!

I've been Busy

I noticed a while ago that Audrey and I had the same blog background. I also noticed that Annie and Tara had way nicer ones than you can get from blogspot. I didn't want to be samezies with anybody so I checked out the site that Annie and Tara used and found they had hundreds of FREE backgrounds to pick from. It took me a while to get the hang of it because my memory is very bad. It never came back right, after my little concussion a while back. Eventually, I wrote everything down that I needed. It still took me a few tries. First of all, the directions said Element and the site said Gadget. I'm a little slow on the draw, but I finally got it, and I finally had it so there was only one page between "control c" and "control v" (Annie taught me that). I finally got it to work and I loved it!.....except that you couldn't read a word on the page! I think I have it all good now though. Maybe a little more tweaking, but I'll do that after I learn about links and url's.

Annie, who if you don't already know, is an extremly talented digital scrapbooker, has convinced me to join her in this awesome craft. I have done a couple of pages that only Annie has seen, but they were just tests because I don't have the proper scrapbooking software to do the really outstanding things. Tonight though I practiced with some different things and although I couldn't find my strings and rubber bands, I'm still happy enough with it to actually let others see it, so here it is:

Well, At Least I Had The Kids......Or Did I?

I didn't grow up with sports people so I asked a lot of questions, trying to understand what was going on. At first he thought it was "cute". By the last year it was more of shut up and get out of my way. Oh well, at least I had the kids.

Divorce is a horrible thing. It can become a menacing monster if you let it become a power struggle. Bob and I got through our actual divorce with little difficulty. We both remarried quickly, to the people we should have each been married to all along, we shared custody of the kids, all was going well. I was pregnant with baby #5, it was a difficult pregnancy so I was home bound. Husband Dana had gone to Florida to work and, with Bob's blessing, the kids and I would follow after the baby was born. Then lightning struck. It seems that the woman we were renting our home from was pocketing our rent money and not making her house payments. Exactly 6 months after moving in, I, just over 8 months pregnant, answered my door to a woman who handed me a paper that said I had 24 hours to vacate my home! I had no idea what to do. If you could just take a moment to imagine the different emotions that ran through me in just a flicker of time. Panic. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Denial. I tried to talk to this lady, but she was just a messenger. I couldn't stop crying which in turn frightened the kids, so I had to pull myself together and try to figure something out. The lady left with sincere apologies, but I still had a royal mess on my hands. I called my church. I called my husband. I called Bob. The church couldn't help me. No one had room to take in a pregnant woman with 4 kids. I couldn't get to Florida without risking my life and the unborn baby, so Dana caught the first flight home to try to help us. Then there was Bob. Good old Bob. He'd be happy to help out. There was just one condition. Just one? What is it? I'm desperate here.
Don't they say lightning never strikes twice in the same place? Well they are wrong. So very, very wrong! They never met my wonderful EX-husband. Considering the position I was in, the one condition he asked of me was not only cruel, but inhuman. The condition was that I had to give him custody of our kids.
In my mind he was making me choose between my unborn baby and the four beautiful kids I already had. He knew I was between a rock and a hard place. I made the only choice that I thought God would allow. No mother should even have to make that choice, no one with any conscience would ever ask her to. Not only that, but the agency called The Friend of the Court broke the law when they allowed me to sign the papers "under duress", which was obvious by my inability to stop crying.(Not to mention the woman confessed it to my attorney when she refused to testify for me because she would lose her job.)
He took my kids......and I let him. I rationalized it any number of ways, just so I could live with myself. At this time in my life we had a clue that I had problems with depression, but no idea just how seriously ill I was. I directed all of the blame and all of my anger at the woman we rented the house from.
Dana and I had out new baby girl, and we drove down to Maryland when she was 3 weeks old and the kids got to see their new baby sister. I believe it was about Easter time when Bob brought the kids up to Michigan, that they asked me a question that totally stunned me and began the horrible two year war. They asked "Why don't you want us mommy?".
And with that I will have to say to be continued, because I can't read what I'm typing

Depression

What do you do with depression? It's an unwanted piece of your life that you can't throw away like the trash that it is. You take your medication and keep your Doctor appointments. You force yourself to leave the safety of your home and try to intermingle with people because it's supposed to be good for you. What happens when the first person you meet makes you feel like crap because you intruded on their own crappy day? Me? I run like a scared rabbit back to the safety of my hole in the world. If someone intrudes into that safety zone and brings their issues with them, then I lock myself in. That's what the peep hole is for.
The telephone never rings. Maybe because I've forgotten to give the number to people who would call me, but then who would want to talk to a depressed person? That of course just makes me more depressed.
I don't like being depressed and angry. I wish that there was a switch that I could just flick it off and everything would be okay. Life just doesn't work that way though. Just like every other time, I'm going to have to suffer my way through this and hope and pray that I come out the other side relatively unscathed. Just like the twelve step programs, one day at a time.....Let Go and Let God, One Day At A Time! I could use your prayers too...sure wouldn't hurt.

Frustration!

For days now I have been working on a slide show tribute to Jimmy. The first one I did turned out very well. Some of the pictures were a little out of order and a few were missing, but over all I thought it was a nice tribute to him. I made a couple of copies of it on DVD and then tried to put it here in my blog. Blogger didn't like the code and wouldn't publish anything but the code itself. All that work and no one would ever see it.
The next day I found the Slide website through Audrey's blog. After several more hours I had it remade and edited to fit. Next step, just push a button and it will publish to my blog. NOT! Blogger still didn't like the code. I published it to Face page and it went on my "fun wall" which you can't find because there are no buttons for it on my profile page.
Today I went back to Slide and made the slide show for the third time. I put it on My Space and it looks OK. Not as good as the original, but passable. I wanted to put a link to it here, but I don't know how. I tried the new code out on Blogger and you guessed it, didn't like the code! I deleted the 2 little things that it didn't like and it published what you see in the entry below. If you push the third button you should be able to see the pictures, but without the music it's a real disappointment. I'd like everyone to see it so if you know how I can put the full slide show on here, please let me know. If not, see if you can find it on My Space because right now my labor of love has me so frustrated that it is losing it's meaning to me.

Jimmy and Angel, A Love Story?

They called him "Rebound" and couldn't wait for him to arrive. Released from prison on August 29th, our boss had sent him a bus ticket and in Brigham City he started work. He was the stuff of legend around the lot and I was sure that I would hate him before I ever met him. Heavy drinking and fist fights at work were something I didn't want or need in my life. Traveling with CHB and City of Fun was a wonderful job and we were all a family of sorts. Like the Sharks and the Jets of West Side Story or the Hatfield's and McCoys, we were the Ride Jocks and the Jointies, not supposed to get along. Now this fabled "right hand" of the boss was coming and most everyone was hoping that s#@% would hit the fan!

One morning I woke up, went outside, and there he was. Over a week late and many dollars short! Small in stature, big on personality. Very friendly and not too bad on the eyes....for an older guy. I was with a young one, just a pup really. He wasn't very nice, but he was pretty. Everything happened the opposite of what I'd figured. A lesson on prejudice for me. I found that I liked him, but my man couldn't stand him. He was definitely a drinker, loved his beer, but the fights that the guys were hoping for never happened.

Being right out of prison there was only one thing on this guys mind (besides drinking) and that was getting a woman. Any woman, he didn't care. After Brigham City, we took off for Sierra Vista, AZ From the northern part of Utah to southern AZ, it was a two day jump. Everyone was was exhausted by the time we arrived and just wanted to relax. For most everyone that meant kicking back and having a few beers. Rebound was no exception and he was buying. I was the only one with a car and he needed a ride to the store. I remember so well that I was afraid to take him because I didn't want to be alone with this masher. I tried to refuse him the ride but my young pup told me to take him and I did as I was told to keep from getting into another argument with him. Things between us had been getting bad for a few weeks so I figured it was easier to take my chances with this Rebound character than to risk another horrible fight.

Our trip to the store was without incident although he was overly flirtatious. Inside the store he went off to get his beer and I struck up a conversation with a clerk about a new Cologne called Amber Musk. I tried some on and loved it, I decided that I would come back and buy some when I had some money with me. Rebound was ready to leave so we headed back to the car. He asked me if I would take him through Arby's so he could get something to eat. I adamantly believe that you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach, so I was happy to oblige. Once inside the car the scent of my Cologne hit him and he told me how much he liked it. By the time we were in line at the drive-through the mashing has begun. This guy was relentless and didn't seem to understand the meaning of "no"! I was alone in the car with an octopus! I was stuck between cars and as usual, Arby's was very slow. As long as the car wasn't moving I could fight him off but when I had to drive I needed my concentration. I'd like to say that he was this horrible potential rapist guy, but truth be told, he was getting to me. It was only the fact that I was with the young pup that made me resist him. Finally we got his food and started back to the lot. He tried to behave during the 10 minute ride, but about a half mile from the lot, as I was driving up a hill, he reached out and pulled the gearshift into neutral. I laughed at him and teased that he just didn't know when to give up. A few yards further down the road he reached over once again and this time turned the key off in the ignition. Now I was angry! We sat there in the car while I began a tiraid about fidelity and "no means no, not yes or maybe". I guess I finally got my point across, started the car and finished driving back to the lot. Still angry, I dropped him off, picked up my pup and his cronies, and left the lot to go stay in a motel. It should have ended there, but it had only begun........

To be continued....

Jimmy's home

It took more than a month, but finally, Jimmy is home. Grandma Marie still spends her days crying, but I'm trying to get on with living. i still see him in his wheelchair as I had to turn and walk away. I carry around a lot of guilt and anger about having to leave him to die all alone. There was no reason for me to give up the home we both loved except to pacify a daughter who found that she didn't like having her "birth mother" around. I miss my home, my grand kids, my beautiful mountains and having someone to care for. A man who loved me much more than I deserved. I miss my church and bearing my testimony. No one wants to hear it now. I miss my friend Corrie and his mom. Whenever Jimmy was in the hospital or nursing home I always had Corrie to take care of. i miss Tanner and Isaac and Noah and their unconditional love. I miss my daughter and what I had hoped would be a closer relationship. I try to understand her, but I've never been ashamed or embarrassed of anyone in my family so I can't even try to relate. I tried to conform and be who she wanted me to be, but a person can only be who they are. I could change the way I dressed, I was still me in a better wrapped package. Nicer wrapping doesn't necessarily make you a nicer person.

Next time I write I think it would be a good idea if I know what to say instead of rambleinI have family g. For now I'm just grateful that Jimmy is home and the cats and I have a roof over our heads. Joel and Matty are happy to have a grandma in their little town. We're only a few blocks apart so we can see each other often. Baby Alex-zander James is here several days a week when he spends time with his daddy, so I'm able to see him grow. I know now that I have those who love me just as I am. Like Jimmy did, even though I don't necessarily deserve it.