Monday, September 29, 2008
Yeah For Me!
Yes, I'm patting myself on the back. Scrapbooking is always fun, but getting feedback from your peers makes you feel very good about what you are learning and how you are growing as a digital artist. Today I received the ultimate compliment. I won a contest with a layout that I did of my granddaughter Taylor. I only had two photos to work with, a blurry one of her face and one of her back. I put them together with the challenge kit and a few special effects and it worked! I'm probably being overly critical, but I do see an error and a couple of things I would change, but hey, it won a contest! A gift certificate that I can buy scrapping supplies with. So, yeah for me, it is officially a good day........And here is the layout(which can also be seen at MellowButterflyShoppe):
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Convoluted Thinking
convoluted
con·vo·lut·ed [ kónvə lootəd ]
adjective
Definition:
1. extremely intricate: too complex or intricate to understand easily: convoluted sentences
2. very twisted: having many twists, coils, or whorls; the brain's convoluted surface
I can't remember who said it. Or the circumstances that led to it being said. Nevertheless I was told that I had convoluted thinking. Didn't know what it meant but it sounded like just another way of saying mixed up in the head. According to definition 2 above, my brain along with everyone else's, is indeed convoluted. The reference this person was making most likely had to do with #1 and being too complex to understand.
Being the convoluted thinking one I recently began to ponder just what was so complex about my thinking. Perhaps it is merely outdated and at times contradictory. My thinking/belief is also primarily faith based, I don't know where I got it from but is the core of my thinking/belief.
These are some of the things that I think/ believe:
1. All people are basically good and if you treat them with respect and kindness, it will come back to you 10fold. This goes equally for all of God's creations.
2. Remember that story of the man who was told he would receive a visit from God. There were three knocks on the door that day. I can't remember the exact details of the story but I'll just take license here and say the first was a child with no shoes, he was a cobbler and gave the child shoes. Disappointed he waited for the second knock. It was a homeless man who had no coat to keep warm on the cold winter day. He gave the man his coat and sent him on his way. It was getting quite late and the wonderful dinner he had prepared for Him was growing cold. At last there was a third knock upon his door. He was excited, at last he would look into the face of God. His heart fell as he opened the door to a beggar, hungry and needing a good warm meal. He looked at the clock and at the meal growing cold and invited the beggar in to share dinner with him. Later that night he fell to his knees in prayer, asking God why. You said that you would visit me today, why did you not come? But I did come, God replied ind answer to his prayer. Three times I knocked on your door today and each time you invited me in. I was the child with no shoes, I was the homeless man you gave your coat to and I was the beggar you invited in to share a meal with you.
I am so afraid that I will someday slam my door in the face of God, that I often go to extremes with my open door policy.
3. If they smite thee on the one cheek, then turneth the other. Sometimes it feels like my head is spinning, but oh well, that just leads me to....
4. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. Yeah, if you're patient, God is a much better punisher than I personally could ever be. I think of ways I'd like to get revenge, mostly in the "heat of the moment", but my general belief is; 4a. Let Go and Let God.
5. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I could combine this with #1 and shorten the list.
6. Even Jesus loved a prostitute. 6a. Judge not lest ye be judged.
7. Do nothing in excess. Based on the principals of the Word of Wisdom but simplified. Addiction is addiction. Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, food, smoking, sex, computer games, whatever....the WOW was meant to direct people to healthy living. Needs to be updated but it's still a good map to follow.
8. Honor thy father and thy mother. I had some problems with this, doing it too much. I was holding my father in such high esteem that no one (myself especially) could live up to my image of what should be.
9. Thou shalt not covet....anything! So what if your neighbor just got a 100 inch plasma screen TV with surround sound. If they feel the need to flaunt it, they have a problem. Settle for what you can afford and tell the neighbors to go home.
10. Think before you speak. That old saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is just not true. Broken bones and bruises heal, but once words leave your mouth you can never take them back.
For now I'll stop with those 10. Sound convoluted yet? Keep in mind that on one is perfect so I have a lot of conflict not being able to live up to my own beliefs.
con·vo·lut·ed [ kónvə lootəd ]
adjective
Definition:
1. extremely intricate: too complex or intricate to understand easily: convoluted sentences
2. very twisted: having many twists, coils, or whorls; the brain's convoluted surface
I can't remember who said it. Or the circumstances that led to it being said. Nevertheless I was told that I had convoluted thinking. Didn't know what it meant but it sounded like just another way of saying mixed up in the head. According to definition 2 above, my brain along with everyone else's, is indeed convoluted. The reference this person was making most likely had to do with #1 and being too complex to understand.
Being the convoluted thinking one I recently began to ponder just what was so complex about my thinking. Perhaps it is merely outdated and at times contradictory. My thinking/belief is also primarily faith based, I don't know where I got it from but is the core of my thinking/belief.
These are some of the things that I think/ believe:
1. All people are basically good and if you treat them with respect and kindness, it will come back to you 10fold. This goes equally for all of God's creations.
2. Remember that story of the man who was told he would receive a visit from God. There were three knocks on the door that day. I can't remember the exact details of the story but I'll just take license here and say the first was a child with no shoes, he was a cobbler and gave the child shoes. Disappointed he waited for the second knock. It was a homeless man who had no coat to keep warm on the cold winter day. He gave the man his coat and sent him on his way. It was getting quite late and the wonderful dinner he had prepared for Him was growing cold. At last there was a third knock upon his door. He was excited, at last he would look into the face of God. His heart fell as he opened the door to a beggar, hungry and needing a good warm meal. He looked at the clock and at the meal growing cold and invited the beggar in to share dinner with him. Later that night he fell to his knees in prayer, asking God why. You said that you would visit me today, why did you not come? But I did come, God replied ind answer to his prayer. Three times I knocked on your door today and each time you invited me in. I was the child with no shoes, I was the homeless man you gave your coat to and I was the beggar you invited in to share a meal with you.
I am so afraid that I will someday slam my door in the face of God, that I often go to extremes with my open door policy.
3. If they smite thee on the one cheek, then turneth the other. Sometimes it feels like my head is spinning, but oh well, that just leads me to....
4. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. Yeah, if you're patient, God is a much better punisher than I personally could ever be. I think of ways I'd like to get revenge, mostly in the "heat of the moment", but my general belief is; 4a. Let Go and Let God.
5. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I could combine this with #1 and shorten the list.
6. Even Jesus loved a prostitute. 6a. Judge not lest ye be judged.
7. Do nothing in excess. Based on the principals of the Word of Wisdom but simplified. Addiction is addiction. Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, food, smoking, sex, computer games, whatever....the WOW was meant to direct people to healthy living. Needs to be updated but it's still a good map to follow.
8. Honor thy father and thy mother. I had some problems with this, doing it too much. I was holding my father in such high esteem that no one (myself especially) could live up to my image of what should be.
9. Thou shalt not covet....anything! So what if your neighbor just got a 100 inch plasma screen TV with surround sound. If they feel the need to flaunt it, they have a problem. Settle for what you can afford and tell the neighbors to go home.
10. Think before you speak. That old saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is just not true. Broken bones and bruises heal, but once words leave your mouth you can never take them back.
For now I'll stop with those 10. Sound convoluted yet? Keep in mind that on one is perfect so I have a lot of conflict not being able to live up to my own beliefs.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Worst!
Yesterday was another Speed Scrap on my favorite scrapping site. Usually I look forward to them because they are such a challenge. Yesterday was no different going in. As the instructions came up, I was right on top of them for a change. I was able to find everything, no problem! Then two things happened;
1. My phone wouldn't quit ringing. It was a friend and she kept dialing like on speed dial. Thinking something was wrong, I answered it. She said she wasn't getting my voicemail so she kept trying. Now I'm distracted while she talks my ear off.
2. The last instruction is to use either two alpha(bets) for the title or three different fonts to journal or a combination.
I'm not good at journaling, have a lot of problems using that part of the PSE6 program. Don't know why, but I just don't "get it". My vision problems and shaking hands don't help, but it's getting the words to do and go where I want that I have the most trouble with. The typing errors are a secondary thing.
I decided to would try the two alpha's, thinking it would be quicker in the long run. AAAArrrrgggghhhhh!!!! Distraction and two different alpha's, What was I doing at this Speed Scrap. Somehow, I did finish the layout, even submitted it. It even showed up as a picture instead of a code for the first time. The small one instead of the big one it was supposed to be, but it was there...and at exactly 2:15, the deadline.
Have to say, I'm happy with myself for that at least. But the layout. OMG! The worst piece of garbage ever! I'm talking REALLY BAD! My layouts were better when I knew nothing about scrapping at all!
Don't think I'm going to put it here to be humiliated further. Actually, I'm going to delete it from the scrap site (as soon as I remember how). I will show you a layout I did today, with a skill I'm getting better at. Photo blending. here it is:
Now this is a skill I can really get into. There is so much you can do with photo editing and blending. I've bearly scratched the surface, but can't wait to learn all that I can. Dana is going to love this layout!
1. My phone wouldn't quit ringing. It was a friend and she kept dialing like on speed dial. Thinking something was wrong, I answered it. She said she wasn't getting my voicemail so she kept trying. Now I'm distracted while she talks my ear off.
2. The last instruction is to use either two alpha(bets) for the title or three different fonts to journal or a combination.
I'm not good at journaling, have a lot of problems using that part of the PSE6 program. Don't know why, but I just don't "get it". My vision problems and shaking hands don't help, but it's getting the words to do and go where I want that I have the most trouble with. The typing errors are a secondary thing.
I decided to would try the two alpha's, thinking it would be quicker in the long run. AAAArrrrgggghhhhh!!!! Distraction and two different alpha's, What was I doing at this Speed Scrap. Somehow, I did finish the layout, even submitted it. It even showed up as a picture instead of a code for the first time. The small one instead of the big one it was supposed to be, but it was there...and at exactly 2:15, the deadline.
Have to say, I'm happy with myself for that at least. But the layout. OMG! The worst piece of garbage ever! I'm talking REALLY BAD! My layouts were better when I knew nothing about scrapping at all!
Don't think I'm going to put it here to be humiliated further. Actually, I'm going to delete it from the scrap site (as soon as I remember how). I will show you a layout I did today, with a skill I'm getting better at. Photo blending. here it is:
Now this is a skill I can really get into. There is so much you can do with photo editing and blending. I've bearly scratched the surface, but can't wait to learn all that I can. Dana is going to love this layout!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Getting Down To The Soul
Every now and then in a person's life, you have to think, "Just who am I, way deep down, as a person?". I know that I have an awful mental disability that sometimes changes my outward persona, but I know too that I am NOT my illness.
Usually, I can feel the changes that come over me now that I am older and know what to expect. They are treatable. An increase or change of medication will bring me back to myself in no time as long as I don't let it go too far. Sometimes hospitalization is necessary. No matter what the circumstances, it is something that I have to deal with, and unfortunately, my 2 children had to grow up with. I have 4 other kids, but they were the fortunate ones. They were sheltered from that storm. I am not ashamed of my affliction. Should I be? Why? Because of the social stigma attached to it? Let society change, I can't. One of my kids became upset because I mentioned to someone that she suffered from depression. OMG! That was "post partum depression!",of course that being more socially acceptable. My youngest two kids, having grown up with mental health issues, accept them as a part of life, and although they don't like dealing with mom during the bad times, they know it's a necessary evil in their lives and life must go on. They also hold a lot of resentment towards their older siblings for leaving it all for them to deal with. And also for shutting them out of their lives as well.
Six siblings, two separate families. All of them my children, but then...not. How very sad is that. On top of mental illness, Rapid Cycling Bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Personality Disorder to be specific, I also deal with the split between my kids, and the inability of the older four to accept their mother for who she is. They don't see me as a person, or as their mother. I am an illness. A scary one...and to admit a relationship would be admitting that they too might "catch it". It is genetic after all. I certainly can't blame them for their attitude. My illness went untreated until I was 40. All they have to base their opinion of me on is my behavior and what they were told by their father and stepmother. My own behavior was erratic at best, and because I refused to talk badly about their father, I never explained anything to them about why things happened. I never defended myself. When one of the boys came of the age to choose where he wanted to live, he chose me. His dad said they would talk about it, and I didn't fight for him. He stayed with dad. As each one turned 15, they quit coming to see me at all. The oldest one was the worst. I took it as a total rejection, and treated her very badly. I was supposed to be the adult, but I acted like a child. That was the "mother" they knew. Why would they care about me now? Why they turn their backs on their little bro and sis, I don't know. Maybe it's geography. Out of sight, out of mind. I know it hurts them, and what hurts them hurts me. They are missing out on a lot not knowing them. Three fantastic nephews too.
...and I'm the one in the middle. The "link in the chain". Wanting to be loved and cared about by all of them as much as I love and care for them. Knowing it will never be anything more than a fantasy.
I guess that is who I am. A dreamer...a child of the '70s...peace and love...flower power. I believe that hate and anger are wasted emotions. That doesn't mean I don't get angry, but when I do, I analyze where the emotion came from ie; fear, hurt, pain, and get to the root of it and get rid of it. Hate is just a stronger form of anger, coming from the same place, and nothing is worth that much energy. I save my hate for things like pickled beets and brussels sprouts.
Some people say that I apologise too much. Maybe I do. I'm not comfortable if I think I've done a wrong and haven't apologised for it. The same with thank you, can you ever say it too often? What about just "being there" for a friend that needs to vent or just hang out. I have a friend who will talk on the phone for hours. I hate talking on the phone, it makes my ears hurt. But a couple days a week, I will call her or she will call me and I will spend that couple of hours letting her talk about whatever. Another friend has troubles with the woman he loves, I listen, give advice when asked. It's not a one way street, if you are a friend, you'll have a friend.
Some people have said I'm "too nice". I guess that's being nice to the point of being stupid. So, yes I'm guilty. In the past I have opened my home to the homeless, bandaged the wounds of strangers (and been assaulted for my efforts), given food to the hungry, rides to anyone in need. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn", because these are not necessarily admirable qualities. I'm either soft in the head or soft hearted. Whichever it is, that is who I am, way deep down inside. Getting down to the soul, I am a pacifist. I believe in kindness at all costs. I don't understand any other way.
Right now, and for the last month, I've been behaving in a manner very foreign to what I know and believe. That is how I know that I am ill. I have a Dr. appointment coming up soon, I hope it's soon enough.
My apologies to anyone I may have hurt, and this comes from the bottom of my soul.
Usually, I can feel the changes that come over me now that I am older and know what to expect. They are treatable. An increase or change of medication will bring me back to myself in no time as long as I don't let it go too far. Sometimes hospitalization is necessary. No matter what the circumstances, it is something that I have to deal with, and unfortunately, my 2 children had to grow up with. I have 4 other kids, but they were the fortunate ones. They were sheltered from that storm. I am not ashamed of my affliction. Should I be? Why? Because of the social stigma attached to it? Let society change, I can't. One of my kids became upset because I mentioned to someone that she suffered from depression. OMG! That was "post partum depression!",of course that being more socially acceptable. My youngest two kids, having grown up with mental health issues, accept them as a part of life, and although they don't like dealing with mom during the bad times, they know it's a necessary evil in their lives and life must go on. They also hold a lot of resentment towards their older siblings for leaving it all for them to deal with. And also for shutting them out of their lives as well.
Six siblings, two separate families. All of them my children, but then...not. How very sad is that. On top of mental illness, Rapid Cycling Bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Personality Disorder to be specific, I also deal with the split between my kids, and the inability of the older four to accept their mother for who she is. They don't see me as a person, or as their mother. I am an illness. A scary one...and to admit a relationship would be admitting that they too might "catch it". It is genetic after all. I certainly can't blame them for their attitude. My illness went untreated until I was 40. All they have to base their opinion of me on is my behavior and what they were told by their father and stepmother. My own behavior was erratic at best, and because I refused to talk badly about their father, I never explained anything to them about why things happened. I never defended myself. When one of the boys came of the age to choose where he wanted to live, he chose me. His dad said they would talk about it, and I didn't fight for him. He stayed with dad. As each one turned 15, they quit coming to see me at all. The oldest one was the worst. I took it as a total rejection, and treated her very badly. I was supposed to be the adult, but I acted like a child. That was the "mother" they knew. Why would they care about me now? Why they turn their backs on their little bro and sis, I don't know. Maybe it's geography. Out of sight, out of mind. I know it hurts them, and what hurts them hurts me. They are missing out on a lot not knowing them. Three fantastic nephews too.
...and I'm the one in the middle. The "link in the chain". Wanting to be loved and cared about by all of them as much as I love and care for them. Knowing it will never be anything more than a fantasy.
I guess that is who I am. A dreamer...a child of the '70s...peace and love...flower power. I believe that hate and anger are wasted emotions. That doesn't mean I don't get angry, but when I do, I analyze where the emotion came from ie; fear, hurt, pain, and get to the root of it and get rid of it. Hate is just a stronger form of anger, coming from the same place, and nothing is worth that much energy. I save my hate for things like pickled beets and brussels sprouts.
Some people say that I apologise too much. Maybe I do. I'm not comfortable if I think I've done a wrong and haven't apologised for it. The same with thank you, can you ever say it too often? What about just "being there" for a friend that needs to vent or just hang out. I have a friend who will talk on the phone for hours. I hate talking on the phone, it makes my ears hurt. But a couple days a week, I will call her or she will call me and I will spend that couple of hours letting her talk about whatever. Another friend has troubles with the woman he loves, I listen, give advice when asked. It's not a one way street, if you are a friend, you'll have a friend.
Some people have said I'm "too nice". I guess that's being nice to the point of being stupid. So, yes I'm guilty. In the past I have opened my home to the homeless, bandaged the wounds of strangers (and been assaulted for my efforts), given food to the hungry, rides to anyone in need. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn", because these are not necessarily admirable qualities. I'm either soft in the head or soft hearted. Whichever it is, that is who I am, way deep down inside. Getting down to the soul, I am a pacifist. I believe in kindness at all costs. I don't understand any other way.
Right now, and for the last month, I've been behaving in a manner very foreign to what I know and believe. That is how I know that I am ill. I have a Dr. appointment coming up soon, I hope it's soon enough.
My apologies to anyone I may have hurt, and this comes from the bottom of my soul.
Monday, September 8, 2008
So Long Jimmy
I was so upset when neither my dvd slide show or my slide show on Slide would post here on my blog. They were my tribute to Jimmy and after the first one didn't work, I sucked it up and persevered and made a second rate version that was just OK, but that didn't work either.
Well, now I'm digi-scrapping and have found another way to pay tribute to him and it WILL post here on my blog. I hope he likes it.
Well, now I'm digi-scrapping and have found another way to pay tribute to him and it WILL post here on my blog. I hope he likes it.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
What do you do when you have thousands of photos, enough to make a bajillion scrapbooks, but no space to put it all? I have been shown the light! You digi-scrap! Thank you dear daughter for suggesting I try this. My goal is to be as good as you! I know I have a lot of ground to cover. I don't have the "fancy schmancy" camera, but I can compensate for that by learning how to enhance the photos I already have. If I work hard every day, I might have a slide show in, mmmmmm, I don't know, maybe a month.
Here is an example of how I really messed up a layout:
This is how it looks now that I've learned to pay more attention to details and revamped the whole thing:
I'm already learning some good stuff! Here is one more that I did today. I'm putting it on here because I really think it's pretty good for a beginner, and I finally figured out how to move objects around to where I want them. That was a real challenge for me.
Well, it's time to go back and do some more learnin'. I always say "The day you quit learning is the day you die." I hope to be learnin' for some time yet!
Here is an example of how I really messed up a layout:
This is how it looks now that I've learned to pay more attention to details and revamped the whole thing:
I'm already learning some good stuff! Here is one more that I did today. I'm putting it on here because I really think it's pretty good for a beginner, and I finally figured out how to move objects around to where I want them. That was a real challenge for me.
Well, it's time to go back and do some more learnin'. I always say "The day you quit learning is the day you die." I hope to be learnin' for some time yet!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I've been Busy
I noticed a while ago that Audrey and I had the same blog background. I also noticed that Annie and Tara had way nicer ones than you can get from blogspot. I didn't want to be samezies with anybody so I checked out the site that Annie and Tara used and found they had hundreds of FREE backgrounds to pick from. It took me a while to get the hang of it because my memory is very bad. It never came back right, after my little concussion a while back. Eventually, I wrote everything down that I needed. It still took me a few tries. First of all, the directions said Element and the site said Gadget. I'm a little slow on the draw, but I finally got it, and I finally had it so there was only one page between "control c" and "control v" (Annie taught me that). I finally got it to work and I loved it!.....except that you couldn't read a word on the page! I think I have it all good now though. Maybe a little more tweaking, but I'll do that after I learn about links and url's.
Annie, who if you don't already know, is an extremly talented digital scrapbooker, has convinced me to join her in this awesome craft. I have done a couple of pages that only Annie has seen, but they were just tests because I don't have the proper scrapbooking software to do the really outstanding things. Tonight though I practiced with some different things and although I couldn't find my strings and rubber bands, I'm still happy enough with it to actually let others see it, so here it is:
Annie, who if you don't already know, is an extremly talented digital scrapbooker, has convinced me to join her in this awesome craft. I have done a couple of pages that only Annie has seen, but they were just tests because I don't have the proper scrapbooking software to do the really outstanding things. Tonight though I practiced with some different things and although I couldn't find my strings and rubber bands, I'm still happy enough with it to actually let others see it, so here it is:
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