Well, At Least I Had The Kids......Or Did I?

I didn't grow up with sports people so I asked a lot of questions, trying to understand what was going on. At first he thought it was "cute". By the last year it was more of shut up and get out of my way. Oh well, at least I had the kids.

Divorce is a horrible thing. It can become a menacing monster if you let it become a power struggle. Bob and I got through our actual divorce with little difficulty. We both remarried quickly, to the people we should have each been married to all along, we shared custody of the kids, all was going well. I was pregnant with baby #5, it was a difficult pregnancy so I was home bound. Husband Dana had gone to Florida to work and, with Bob's blessing, the kids and I would follow after the baby was born. Then lightning struck. It seems that the woman we were renting our home from was pocketing our rent money and not making her house payments. Exactly 6 months after moving in, I, just over 8 months pregnant, answered my door to a woman who handed me a paper that said I had 24 hours to vacate my home! I had no idea what to do. If you could just take a moment to imagine the different emotions that ran through me in just a flicker of time. Panic. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Denial. I tried to talk to this lady, but she was just a messenger. I couldn't stop crying which in turn frightened the kids, so I had to pull myself together and try to figure something out. The lady left with sincere apologies, but I still had a royal mess on my hands. I called my church. I called my husband. I called Bob. The church couldn't help me. No one had room to take in a pregnant woman with 4 kids. I couldn't get to Florida without risking my life and the unborn baby, so Dana caught the first flight home to try to help us. Then there was Bob. Good old Bob. He'd be happy to help out. There was just one condition. Just one? What is it? I'm desperate here.
Don't they say lightning never strikes twice in the same place? Well they are wrong. So very, very wrong! They never met my wonderful EX-husband. Considering the position I was in, the one condition he asked of me was not only cruel, but inhuman. The condition was that I had to give him custody of our kids.
In my mind he was making me choose between my unborn baby and the four beautiful kids I already had. He knew I was between a rock and a hard place. I made the only choice that I thought God would allow. No mother should even have to make that choice, no one with any conscience would ever ask her to. Not only that, but the agency called The Friend of the Court broke the law when they allowed me to sign the papers "under duress", which was obvious by my inability to stop crying.(Not to mention the woman confessed it to my attorney when she refused to testify for me because she would lose her job.)
He took my kids......and I let him. I rationalized it any number of ways, just so I could live with myself. At this time in my life we had a clue that I had problems with depression, but no idea just how seriously ill I was. I directed all of the blame and all of my anger at the woman we rented the house from.
Dana and I had out new baby girl, and we drove down to Maryland when she was 3 weeks old and the kids got to see their new baby sister. I believe it was about Easter time when Bob brought the kids up to Michigan, that they asked me a question that totally stunned me and began the horrible two year war. They asked "Why don't you want us mommy?".
And with that I will have to say to be continued, because I can't read what I'm typing

Depression

What do you do with depression? It's an unwanted piece of your life that you can't throw away like the trash that it is. You take your medication and keep your Doctor appointments. You force yourself to leave the safety of your home and try to intermingle with people because it's supposed to be good for you. What happens when the first person you meet makes you feel like crap because you intruded on their own crappy day? Me? I run like a scared rabbit back to the safety of my hole in the world. If someone intrudes into that safety zone and brings their issues with them, then I lock myself in. That's what the peep hole is for.
The telephone never rings. Maybe because I've forgotten to give the number to people who would call me, but then who would want to talk to a depressed person? That of course just makes me more depressed.
I don't like being depressed and angry. I wish that there was a switch that I could just flick it off and everything would be okay. Life just doesn't work that way though. Just like every other time, I'm going to have to suffer my way through this and hope and pray that I come out the other side relatively unscathed. Just like the twelve step programs, one day at a time.....Let Go and Let God, One Day At A Time! I could use your prayers too...sure wouldn't hurt.

Frustration!

For days now I have been working on a slide show tribute to Jimmy. The first one I did turned out very well. Some of the pictures were a little out of order and a few were missing, but over all I thought it was a nice tribute to him. I made a couple of copies of it on DVD and then tried to put it here in my blog. Blogger didn't like the code and wouldn't publish anything but the code itself. All that work and no one would ever see it.
The next day I found the Slide website through Audrey's blog. After several more hours I had it remade and edited to fit. Next step, just push a button and it will publish to my blog. NOT! Blogger still didn't like the code. I published it to Face page and it went on my "fun wall" which you can't find because there are no buttons for it on my profile page.
Today I went back to Slide and made the slide show for the third time. I put it on My Space and it looks OK. Not as good as the original, but passable. I wanted to put a link to it here, but I don't know how. I tried the new code out on Blogger and you guessed it, didn't like the code! I deleted the 2 little things that it didn't like and it published what you see in the entry below. If you push the third button you should be able to see the pictures, but without the music it's a real disappointment. I'd like everyone to see it so if you know how I can put the full slide show on here, please let me know. If not, see if you can find it on My Space because right now my labor of love has me so frustrated that it is losing it's meaning to me.

Jimmy and Angel, A Love Story?

They called him "Rebound" and couldn't wait for him to arrive. Released from prison on August 29th, our boss had sent him a bus ticket and in Brigham City he started work. He was the stuff of legend around the lot and I was sure that I would hate him before I ever met him. Heavy drinking and fist fights at work were something I didn't want or need in my life. Traveling with CHB and City of Fun was a wonderful job and we were all a family of sorts. Like the Sharks and the Jets of West Side Story or the Hatfield's and McCoys, we were the Ride Jocks and the Jointies, not supposed to get along. Now this fabled "right hand" of the boss was coming and most everyone was hoping that s#@% would hit the fan!

One morning I woke up, went outside, and there he was. Over a week late and many dollars short! Small in stature, big on personality. Very friendly and not too bad on the eyes....for an older guy. I was with a young one, just a pup really. He wasn't very nice, but he was pretty. Everything happened the opposite of what I'd figured. A lesson on prejudice for me. I found that I liked him, but my man couldn't stand him. He was definitely a drinker, loved his beer, but the fights that the guys were hoping for never happened.

Being right out of prison there was only one thing on this guys mind (besides drinking) and that was getting a woman. Any woman, he didn't care. After Brigham City, we took off for Sierra Vista, AZ From the northern part of Utah to southern AZ, it was a two day jump. Everyone was was exhausted by the time we arrived and just wanted to relax. For most everyone that meant kicking back and having a few beers. Rebound was no exception and he was buying. I was the only one with a car and he needed a ride to the store. I remember so well that I was afraid to take him because I didn't want to be alone with this masher. I tried to refuse him the ride but my young pup told me to take him and I did as I was told to keep from getting into another argument with him. Things between us had been getting bad for a few weeks so I figured it was easier to take my chances with this Rebound character than to risk another horrible fight.

Our trip to the store was without incident although he was overly flirtatious. Inside the store he went off to get his beer and I struck up a conversation with a clerk about a new Cologne called Amber Musk. I tried some on and loved it, I decided that I would come back and buy some when I had some money with me. Rebound was ready to leave so we headed back to the car. He asked me if I would take him through Arby's so he could get something to eat. I adamantly believe that you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach, so I was happy to oblige. Once inside the car the scent of my Cologne hit him and he told me how much he liked it. By the time we were in line at the drive-through the mashing has begun. This guy was relentless and didn't seem to understand the meaning of "no"! I was alone in the car with an octopus! I was stuck between cars and as usual, Arby's was very slow. As long as the car wasn't moving I could fight him off but when I had to drive I needed my concentration. I'd like to say that he was this horrible potential rapist guy, but truth be told, he was getting to me. It was only the fact that I was with the young pup that made me resist him. Finally we got his food and started back to the lot. He tried to behave during the 10 minute ride, but about a half mile from the lot, as I was driving up a hill, he reached out and pulled the gearshift into neutral. I laughed at him and teased that he just didn't know when to give up. A few yards further down the road he reached over once again and this time turned the key off in the ignition. Now I was angry! We sat there in the car while I began a tiraid about fidelity and "no means no, not yes or maybe". I guess I finally got my point across, started the car and finished driving back to the lot. Still angry, I dropped him off, picked up my pup and his cronies, and left the lot to go stay in a motel. It should have ended there, but it had only begun........

To be continued....

Jimmy's home

It took more than a month, but finally, Jimmy is home. Grandma Marie still spends her days crying, but I'm trying to get on with living. i still see him in his wheelchair as I had to turn and walk away. I carry around a lot of guilt and anger about having to leave him to die all alone. There was no reason for me to give up the home we both loved except to pacify a daughter who found that she didn't like having her "birth mother" around. I miss my home, my grand kids, my beautiful mountains and having someone to care for. A man who loved me much more than I deserved. I miss my church and bearing my testimony. No one wants to hear it now. I miss my friend Corrie and his mom. Whenever Jimmy was in the hospital or nursing home I always had Corrie to take care of. i miss Tanner and Isaac and Noah and their unconditional love. I miss my daughter and what I had hoped would be a closer relationship. I try to understand her, but I've never been ashamed or embarrassed of anyone in my family so I can't even try to relate. I tried to conform and be who she wanted me to be, but a person can only be who they are. I could change the way I dressed, I was still me in a better wrapped package. Nicer wrapping doesn't necessarily make you a nicer person.

Next time I write I think it would be a good idea if I know what to say instead of rambleinI have family g. For now I'm just grateful that Jimmy is home and the cats and I have a roof over our heads. Joel and Matty are happy to have a grandma in their little town. We're only a few blocks apart so we can see each other often. Baby Alex-zander James is here several days a week when he spends time with his daddy, so I'm able to see him grow. I know now that I have those who love me just as I am. Like Jimmy did, even though I don't necessarily deserve it.