Trying To Build A Future When The Past Won't Let Go

***May 29 4:30AM***
The post that follows was, at the discretion of the author, turned over to the authors Mental Health case manager and a copy has been prepared for the psychiatrist in preparation for next weeks appointment. The author is cautiously optimistic that there is help available.
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So this is what it is, starting shortly after my second husband passed away, he started living...inside my head...whenever I sleep. Last year when Jimmy passed away he joined him. They usually aren't together although it has happened. Only once that I remember would I describe one of these visits a "nightmare", it was while Jimmy was still alive and for a few months I was left alone and thought that Dana had finally let go. Then Jimmy passed away and left me way more devastated than I thought I'd be. Within a couple of weeks Dana was back in my dreams and Jimmy not long after. As with most dreams, they seem so realistic while I'm having them and only when I wake up with the memory can I actually understand how convoluted it really was. If the dream has put me in an upbeat state of mind and I'm waking up full of love and happiness, I often will try my best to hang on to those feelings by hanging on to my dreams. In a sense, merging fantasy with reality.

I hope you aren't thinking that I'm intentionally hanging on to these two men so that I don't have to deal with reality. I would tend to follow that train of thought myself except for this one thing; I am continually fighting off sleep. Avoid it for no apparent reason, unless it's to avoid these dreams, and will go as long as 3 or 4 days with no more than an occasional nodding off in the middle of doing dishes or blogging, sometimes while out walking. It's risky behavior,I fall a lot and find myself doing some rather "odd" things, but REM sleep is dream sleep and the only way I know of to NOT remember my dreams is to be too exhausted to function.
I don't know why I want to avoid the dreams. Except for the one over a year ago, they are normal, pleasant, everyday things, and generally I forget the details shortly after awakening. I simply remember that I had the dream and how it made me feel. Usually good and not lonely.

There are many people that could give me their opinion on what's going on with me, but this is a category where there are many opinions and no real facts to back them up. I can ask my psychiatrist (and will) and get his educated guess. I can go to a psychic and see if I can believe their opinion. Perhaps a sleep study would find something, but what if Dana and Jimmy don't want to be studied? They don't have to show up if they don't think it's in their best interest!


I could go to a dream specialist which I put in the same category as psychic, I believe they are out there but the scammers would most likely be the ones I would find. Last but certainly not least is Church and Faith, are these dreams already an answer to prayer? How do you know with certainty?

I honestly would like some help here. It isn't the dreams bothering so much as what I'm doing after 30+ hours of sleeplessness. I know that doesn't make sense. If the dreams don't bother me why am I avoiding sleep. Answer: I don't know!!! That's why I need help.

So, any suggestions? What would you do? Just leave it alone? Pray with more diligence?

I do have a Psych appointment early in June as long as they don't cancel on me again.

What The Hay! I Gotta Sneeeeezzzeaaachhew!

It's been so long since I've verbalized that my brain is just full to overflowing with deep and oh so shallow thoughts. So who shall I pick on first? Ahh, heck, I'll start out with just general stuff that bothers me or perhaps I just find it curious. Like just how far does being Politically Correct have to go? When I was growing up the folks who worked for our neighbors were referred to as Negroes. At least by polite people. I preferred to use their names, but that's just how I roll. The only time I can remember hearing the ugly N word was in reference to a nut that had a dark brown shell. Getting back to being Politically Correct, this is what really bugs me; Why is it no longer correct to say that a person is Black? I'm still getting called White, not Americana Britt (hey! some form of that might make a great stripper name! Whadaya think?). Anyway it is now Politically Correct to say African American which, since I don't travel, isn't a big problem for me but I still wonder why it is such a big deal. Seriously, there ARE people of the African Nationality in countries all over this world and I'm willing to bet that, let's just say in France for example, a person may be greatly offended if called an African American. So that was my whole point, you can't be calling people who do not reside in this country African Americans so what is so darned wrong with, if the need arises, respectfully using the term Black? I still prefer first names, but this was just something I was wondering about....and I certainly hope you don't think I'm racist just because I question one of the many "shoulds" in life.

For my next peevish rant I must expose a fiendish plot of trickery that is so dastardly that this pair of Facebook Frauds used a seemingly sweet "How Well Do You Know Me" quiz to lure in their own mother AND in one case...gasp...a husband! I Know! And using such lies and turns of phrases as to make you THINK you're acing it (as you should be, especially after STUDYING!)but instead you are duped and made to look a fool. A FOOL I TELL YOU! I KNOW, It's reprehensible and something must be done. Drawn and Quartered, Tarred and Feathered, I don't know but am open to suggestions! Tsk tsk tsk,

I still can't quite wrap my brain around it. How can I live now knowing that Disneyland is NOT the happiest place on earth! AAAARRRRRRhhhhhhhh! Say it's not so, say it's not so!

So now that I'm off the ol' soap box I just have to know, am I the only geezer out there who's lovin' Boom Boom Boom and the Black Eyed Peas. What about Pink's So What? I just love that girls sassyness, and then a week later every thing's cool but she's still gotta sing this awesome rockin' out song tellin' the fool he ain't nothin but a tool. OH YEAH!

As long as I got the tune thing goin' on and I KNOW you've been just dyin' to ask me but...well you know, life happens (couldn't remember the digits, got locked out for like a month, the neighbors cousins uncles best friends sisters dog had puppies and you were stuck babysitting).So just don't fuss about it any longer. Here's the scoop,

I liked Danny and Alison right from the git go. Because Adam was in the competition too, I figured Danny 2nd and Alison 3rd. Then things started to go screwy. A couple of things happened that could have put people off from voting for him. The first being your typical rag mag dirt digger found publicity stills of him in drag and tried to smear him as not right for AI's family friendly audience. Adam never hid the nail polish or the guyliner nor did he try to become AI's 1st Drag Idol. He entered a singing competition and played by the rules and was an absolute delight to watch...which brings me to the real thing that "in my opinion" brought Adam down, a panel of over the top gushing judges. One in particular even said he wasn't just a rock star, he was a rock God. Well the title's already been surpassed so no need to vote for him. Week after week the judges would give praise to the few others who were deemed worthy to grace the stage along with Adam, but never once did anyone insinuate anything other than that Adam would win it. And the song for just before the announcement! I KNOW! Totally perfect for them as a duet and to have Queen as your back up band! Wha-at? A-Ma-Zing! So Kris won, and I must say that both he and Adam are real class acts the way that they handled themselves in what was most assuredly a startling outcome. You could see the great camaraderie between the whole top 13 there at the end and I fond it to be a very uplifting experience and a nice lesson learned.

OK, one more subject. This could come in handy for folks like me with just the basic, no frills digital camera. It's almost more fun than scrapbooking sometimes and the results can really fancy up an otherwise ho hum idea. Because I live alone with just my 2 furkids who look pretty much the same day after day, there isn't much in the way of variety to focus on. I've become my own favorite subject. Not because I take such great pictures, but because I don't. Once in a blue moon an acceptable one will come along that needs little or no touching with PhotoShop but most are deleted and the best of the worst become toys for my imagination to play with. I can become a head banging rock star, a floating dancer,someone bowed in prayer. Even a Veerrry SScaaarry monster, just by playing with toss-able pictures that I'd never want anyone to see what they really look like. It's a good day for me if I have a few of my masterpieces sitting around and they'll fit right in to Scrapping competition

So....I got this idea that when I think of something I want to flap my lips about I'll just jot it down and stick it in a convenient hat. Next time I'm sleepless in Breckenridge I'll have a ready made selection of topics to from and embellish on.

For sure it is time to hit the hay when I'm looking and not quite seeing. I believe that sleep has finally won this round. Yeah!