I Am Thankful

Today being the day of giving thanks, I would like to take more time than usual to think about all that I am thankful for.

Starting at the beginning I guess, I am thankful for:

My parents, who raised me with love and taught me to not judge people by the color of their skin.

Debbie Smith and Camielle Call who introduced me to the LDS Church and Kap Jones, Rick Smith, Kent Noye, and all of the youth and teachers in the Bloomfield Hills Stake who kept me on the right path.

Bobby Chiapelli who taught me to say the 3 greatest words ever, "I love you", and also spent ten years putting up with my insanity. On top of all that we created 4 of the greatest kids ever.

Larry Little, who taught me that I have no right to judge ANYONE and that fact sent my life in a direction I'd never planned. He also introduced me to his sister Debbie, who one lonely night convinced me to call an old boyfriend that I couldn't forget about....and he just happened to be home, and single! That old boyfriend....

Dana Haswell, the greatest love of my life (other than my children). Of course I'm thankful for the two great kids we made, the gift that keeps on giving. Other than that I would need a book to list all that I am thankful for with Dana. He gave so much, not material things, but with him my life had a richness beyond anything I could ever have dreamed.

Barbara and James Williams, two of the nicest people and in the truest sense our families
BFF's. Our kids grew up together and in a way, I guess we all grew up together as well. I'll always love them both.

Connie Young for standing up for me when it seemed a whole town had turned on me. She gave me a home to live in until I could find one and helped me to hold onto my dignity until I was ready to leave on my own terms. When she passed away it left a huge hole in my heart.

Jimmy Urquhart was my knight in tarnished armor. Had anyone ever told me that I would EVER love a bald headed, toothless, OLD, ex-con, carnie guy I would have called them a liar! He, on the other hand, never dreamed of being with a crazy, goodie two shoes, Mormon broad either. We were the talk of our show, but somehow, we clicked. Starting as friends and a year later getting married. This man used to fill up a bathtub for me after a long work day when my body was screaming in pain, he would carry me and put me in the hot water and come back later and help me back out and put me to bed. Yes, when Jimmy was good, he was VERY good, then when he was bad...... ahhh, I like remembering the good times, and life is very lonely without him.

All of my kids, Annie, Audrey, Jeffery, Joel, Kymberly I, and Dana III, each different and special in their own way. I am so blessed to have them in my life and love them all more than they could ever know.

All TWENTY of my grandkids! Many I have never met, but I see them grow threw pictures, and sometimes can talk to them on the phone. I'll take the Grani Jani connection any way I can get it.

Sisty, and best friend. When I'm feeling down all I have to do is call her and she can always make me laugh. She loves me as I am, warts and all. To me, she is as close to perfect as a human can come and she looks so much like our Mom. Bob and all of my nieces and nephews are also very special to me.

Mom Rosemarie, who brought love and light back into Dad's life. I couldn't have asked for a nicer lady to be my second mother.

My big brother David who I know loves me even though I've disappointed him. I always have the memory that he named my teddy bear "Gladly, the Cross Eyed Bear". I still laugh about that!

I have listed a lot of people that I'm thankful for. I know I've missed a ton. I'm also thankful for the life I have, the roof over my head, the running water, electricity, heat on this chilly day. Many people don't have these things, and I've gone without them more than once in my life so they mean a lot. I have been shown a lot of kindness from friends, family and strangers throughout my life for which I am always thankful. I hope that I have "paid it foreword" at least some of the time.

.....and yes, most definitely, I am thankful for all of my UNANSWERED prayers. Thank you God for knowing what is best.

The Traveling Pantyhose

About a month ago I was in a situation in which I needed to be interviewed by the Bishop of my church. In preparation for this interview I sought council from one of my favorite son in laws as to how to approach the situation. He gave me very sound advice which I took to heart and prayed for an open heart and mind. I wasn't worried about how to dress as I still had my "Audrey Approved" dress and shoes, I was only lacking a pair of pantyhose. Now that summer had passed it was a bit chilly for bear legs.
One of my neighbors who is about my size brought a pair of hose over that she said had been in her drawer for years so I might as well get some use out of them. I was very grateful and thanked her for helping me out.
Sunday came and I was all showered and primped. Everything was laid out nicely to begin dressing. Because I have a problem with a large middle area I wear a foundation garment that holds it in a bit. It's made to wear in place of panties so I put it on first, then the pantyhose. I finished dressing and went downstairs to wait for my ride.
The longer I stood there the more something didn't feel quite right. I ran back upstairs to check it out. There were my pantyhose falling down nearly to my knees. Thankful that I'd found the problem before it was too late I was about to go switch the pantyhose to inside the foundation garment. But alas, no time! The phone rang, my ride was downstairs waiting. I quickly pulled the pantyhose up as far as I could and stuffed the top of them the best I could into the top of the foundation garment. I took off for church praying in earnest!
Every thing went well. I moved about the halls of the church, stopped and had several conversations as I was waiting for the Bishop to finish up what he was doing and finally he was ready for me. We walked down the hall toward his office and I was feeling all right with the world. He opened his office door and invited me inside and as soon as I stepped through the doorway I stopped dead in my tracks. Those pantyhose were traveling again and about to really embarrass me! "Excuse me, where is the ladies room?" I couldn't get there fast enough! Another lady was in there and when I told her what happened we both busted up laughing! She helped me get the hosiery tucked a little more securely and I went back to my meeting, with neither the Bishop or myself suffering any undo embarrassment.....and the meeting went well.

It's The Little Things

Sooooo, that time of year has hit again. The sunlight never quite makes it over the tree line and hits our building or the sidewalks. The daylight hours are short and the temperatures are falling. For those of us with depression this time is a struggle and we look toward it with dread. Having gone through this year after year I have learned a lot of ways that really help to get through these dark days.
I really is a lot of little things that anyone can do if they are having a down day. When I was a teen my mother told me that if I was feeling bad I should put on a bit of make up and dress up nice and that it might make me feel better...at that age I hated admitting my mother was EVER right...but she was! It was just a little thing, but it worked. That was the first "little thing" I learned and still practice to this day.
One of my favorite little things is to turn on one of my awesome concert DVD's and Dance Like No One Is Watching! Of course, along with that (or separately) you can also Sing As If No One Is Listening! If you're one of those people who likes to be productive and thinks this might be a waste of time, you must look at the BIGGER picture. Both of these things go very well with vacuuming and dusting so not only will you feel great because that's what dancin' and singin' do for you, but when you turn around and see how clean your home is...it's like WOW! It hardly seems like a little thing then.
Light some nicely fragrant candles and take a bubble bath with the overhead lights out. Just relax and enjoy the warmth and the fragrance with maybe some soft music but not too much, the key is to NOT overstimulate your senses. Little things.
Weather permitting, take a nice walk outdoors. Exercise, fresh air and sunshine are all keys to good mental health. Most areas have malls that open early for walkers so you can at least get the exercise.
Sort through old photos and jot down the POSITIVE memories each one brings. Get really creative and make your memories into scrapbooks. Just a little thing.
Watch a funny movie or TV show and laugh out loud! I, personally, have the Ellen show programed into my TV so I know that I won't miss my daily dose of laughter. It's a great little thing.
Send an uplifting message to someone. If you're feeling bad, chances are someone else is too. In order to write an uplifting note you have to think positively so already your mood will improve and you'll have the added benefit of boosting someone else's mood as well. Little things can mean so much.
Make an "I Am Thankful" list and see how full you make it. Try to make the #of entries = your age as a challenge. Remember the little things.
If you have children and/or pets take the time to play with them. You're never too old to play and it's just a little thing that means a lot.
One of my most favorite little things is the good ol' fashioned "Good Deed". The real trick to doing this one right is that you can never tell anyone you did it! Yes, you heard me right, you get no credit, just the feeling inside your heart that tells you "Good job". It doesn't have to be anything big, maybe someone is short a few cents in the checkout line ahead of you and you cover it, or you let the car into your lane ahead of you during rush hour. Maybe you pick up something that you noticed another has dropped and you return it to them, or maybe a little bigger, you make a little extra for dinner and share with someone you know is in need. You get the gist of it, it's little things....that are good.

These are just a few things off the top of my head but I hope they help someone have a brighter winter.

The Ellen Show loves to look a folks bad paid for photos. These pic's of mine fit into at least 2 catagories! Bad School Photos and Bad Perms.

This first one is bad enough because of the awful "Toni" perm, but the glasses really make it a winner.... and I can remember WANTING to wear glasses because I was the only one in the family that didn't! Silly kid!

This second one is by far the worst of the worst! Not only is the perm hidious, the dress is too ugly for words. To cap it all off I must have broken the photographer's camera (or maybe he just felt sorry for my parents!) 'cause the darned thing is out of focus!

I wanted to enter Ellen's contest, so I morphed the 2 pic's together into one butt ugly picture with an in focus face.

EEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkk!!!!!!! I should have done this for Halloween!

Now, I challenge you to top this for BAD photo's. If you do any morphing like I did you still have to show why.

It Ain't Easy

A small town can be a fabulous place to live. Everyone knows you and if you are in need, someone is always there to lend a hand or a listening ear. When things are good, they are VERY good! When they turn bad it's a nightmare! Small town living, as fabulous as it can be, is far from perfect. All it takes is one mistake, saying the "wrong" thing at the "wrong" time or becoming friendly with the "wrong" person or group, and you find that suddenly your world has been turned upside down.

Recently a series of events added up to some real problems for me mentally. It built up gradually, kinda snuck it's way in, then WHAMMO! Major brain malfunction! It was a fairly serious one because it included a black out lasting several hours.

I was relieved to find out that there was no terrible behavior during the black out, but was quite distraught to learn that in the hours either leading up to or immediately following, there was an incident of which I'm very ashamed.

I was acting in an extreme manic manner and said something totally out of character to a very sensitive young man....and NO ONE called me on it! When I started feeling more "myself", I was back outside chatting with the neighbors as usual, except that one (who claimed to be my very good friend)began making very nasty remarks to me and I could hear the whispers begin as soon as I would walk away from any group discussion. Finally I asked my real friend if she knew what was wrong. That is how I found out how horribly I'd behaved.

Thankfully I had the opportunity to talk to the young fellow about what happened and give him a most sincere apology, which he accepted. I am so thankful for that because to me, what I said was unforgivable. I also apologised and explained the nature of my illness (in case ,God forbid, it should happen

again)to the others who were witness to the incident.

If this "thing" had not been dealt with swiftly, I would have found within a very short time the the story had spread like wildfire and had grown and changed with each telling until the good people of this town would've been wanting me hung from the closest tree.

I am so thankful for my Doctors, who keep on top of my med needs and prevent these Jekyll/Hyde things from happening most of the time. I'm thankful for the one true friend who had my back even when it seemed I didn't deserve it. I'm thankful for the forgiveness that helped me get back on track. I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father's love and the gift of Repentance. I am also, in a way, thankful for this illness, for it has taught me tolerance, hope, and a greater respect for myself---just the way I am.

***The people in these photo's are a few of my lovely neighbors and family. No one who was hurt in the incident is pictured.***

WELCOME TO

MY TOWN,

BRECKENRIDGE MICHIGAN

I'd like to introduce you to the little town of Breckenridge Michigan, a beautiful place to live.

I hope you enjoyed this tiny glimpse into my town. Come and visit sometime and experience the real beauty that grows hear. The warm and wonderful people.

Thank you for your time, please come back again!!

Trying To Build A Future When The Past Won't Let Go

***May 29 4:30AM***
The post that follows was, at the discretion of the author, turned over to the authors Mental Health case manager and a copy has been prepared for the psychiatrist in preparation for next weeks appointment. The author is cautiously optimistic that there is help available.
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So this is what it is, starting shortly after my second husband passed away, he started living...inside my head...whenever I sleep. Last year when Jimmy passed away he joined him. They usually aren't together although it has happened. Only once that I remember would I describe one of these visits a "nightmare", it was while Jimmy was still alive and for a few months I was left alone and thought that Dana had finally let go. Then Jimmy passed away and left me way more devastated than I thought I'd be. Within a couple of weeks Dana was back in my dreams and Jimmy not long after. As with most dreams, they seem so realistic while I'm having them and only when I wake up with the memory can I actually understand how convoluted it really was. If the dream has put me in an upbeat state of mind and I'm waking up full of love and happiness, I often will try my best to hang on to those feelings by hanging on to my dreams. In a sense, merging fantasy with reality.

I hope you aren't thinking that I'm intentionally hanging on to these two men so that I don't have to deal with reality. I would tend to follow that train of thought myself except for this one thing; I am continually fighting off sleep. Avoid it for no apparent reason, unless it's to avoid these dreams, and will go as long as 3 or 4 days with no more than an occasional nodding off in the middle of doing dishes or blogging, sometimes while out walking. It's risky behavior,I fall a lot and find myself doing some rather "odd" things, but REM sleep is dream sleep and the only way I know of to NOT remember my dreams is to be too exhausted to function.
I don't know why I want to avoid the dreams. Except for the one over a year ago, they are normal, pleasant, everyday things, and generally I forget the details shortly after awakening. I simply remember that I had the dream and how it made me feel. Usually good and not lonely.

There are many people that could give me their opinion on what's going on with me, but this is a category where there are many opinions and no real facts to back them up. I can ask my psychiatrist (and will) and get his educated guess. I can go to a psychic and see if I can believe their opinion. Perhaps a sleep study would find something, but what if Dana and Jimmy don't want to be studied? They don't have to show up if they don't think it's in their best interest!


I could go to a dream specialist which I put in the same category as psychic, I believe they are out there but the scammers would most likely be the ones I would find. Last but certainly not least is Church and Faith, are these dreams already an answer to prayer? How do you know with certainty?

I honestly would like some help here. It isn't the dreams bothering so much as what I'm doing after 30+ hours of sleeplessness. I know that doesn't make sense. If the dreams don't bother me why am I avoiding sleep. Answer: I don't know!!! That's why I need help.

So, any suggestions? What would you do? Just leave it alone? Pray with more diligence?

I do have a Psych appointment early in June as long as they don't cancel on me again.