The post that follows was, at the discretion of the author, turned over to the authors Mental Health case manager and a copy has been prepared for the psychiatrist in preparation for next weeks appointment. The author is cautiously optimistic that there is help available.
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So this is what it is, starting shortly after my second husband passed away, he started living...inside my head...whenever I sleep. Last year when Jimmy passed away he joined him. They usually aren't together although it has happened. Only once that I remember would I describe one of these visits a "nightmare", it was while Jimmy was still alive and for a few months I was left alone and thought that Dana had finally let go. Then Jimmy passed away and left me way more devastated than I thought I'd be. Within a couple of weeks Dana was back in my dreams and Jimmy not long after. As with most dreams, they seem so realistic while I'm having them and only when I wake up with the memory can I actually understand how convoluted it really was. If the dream has put me in an upbeat state of mind and I'm waking up full of love and happiness, I often will try my best to hang on to those feelings by hanging on to my dreams. In a sense, merging fantasy with reality.
I hope you aren't thinking that I'm intentionally hanging on to these two men so that I don't have to deal with reality. I would tend to follow that train of thought myself except for this one thing; I am continually fighting off sleep. Avoid it for no apparent reason, unless it's to avoid these dreams, and will go as long as 3 or 4 days with no more than an occasional nodding off in the middle of doing dishes or blogging, sometimes while out walking. It's risky behavior,I fall a lot and find myself doing some rather "odd" things, but REM sleep is dream sleep and the only way I know of to NOT remember my dreams is to be too exhausted to function.I don't know why I want to avoid the dreams. Except for the one over a year ago, they are normal, pleasant, everyday things, and generally I forget the details shortly after awakening. I simply remember that I had the dream and how it made me feel. Usually good and not lonely.
There are many people that could give me
their opinion on what's going on with me, but this is a category where there are many opinions and no real facts to back them up. I can ask my psychiatrist (and will) and get his educated guess. I can go to a psychic and see if I can believe their opinion. Perhaps a sleep study would find something, but what if Dana and Jimmy don't want to be studied? They don't have to show up if they don't think it's in their best interest! I could go to a dream specialist which I put in the same category as psychic, I believe they are out there but the scammers would most likely be the ones I would find. Last but certainly not least is Church and Faith, are these dreams already an answer to prayer? How do you know with certainty?
I honestly would like some help here. It isn't the dreams bothering so much as what I'm doing after 30+ hours of sleeplessness. I know that doesn't make sense. If the dreams don't bother me why am I avoiding sleep. Answer: I don't know!!! That's why I need help.
So, any suggestions? What would you do? Just leave it alone? Pray with more diligence?
I do have a Psych appointment early in June as long as they don't cancel on me again.
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